Acts 20:24 King James Version (KJV)
24 But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy, and the ministry, which I have received of the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of the grace of God.
Today, I feel like giving up. I have never been afraid to admit my shortcomings nor am I a person that feels they have something to prove. An admirable quality in my eyes is determination, something I have always been lacking. Why then, am I finding it so hard to give up on this child?
There are days that he makes me completely miserable. He pushes and pushes until I feel I have nowhere to go. Tonight he refused to pick up his blocks, so I sent him to bed. It was only about ten minutes before his usual bedtime. For the next two hours, he screamed, slammed the door repeatedly, threw things, and banged his head against the wall. It was impossible for anyone to sleep while this was going on. During that time, if I had a white flag, I would have waved it until my arms gave out.
Ironically, I really do feel like he has improved since coming to live with us. Our good days used to be few and far between. Now, they are about half good, half bad. For this reason, his team decided to put off residential care and see if he continues to do better. The only thing is, when he’s bad, he’s bad. Gray areas do not apply to him. He got in trouble at school today. I asked him why he was disrupting class. His answer? “Because I wanted to.” Plain and simple. Most questions about his behavior are answered with “I wanted to,” or “I didn’t want to.” To him, that’s reason enough. To me, it’s frustrating.
If I knew there was a family out there that would take him and love him, I would probably admit my defeat. It’s not that I don’t care about him because I do. I have grown to love him. I just worry about my family and what this is doing to them. Also, I worry about myself. My health is suffering. I have new lines on my face, I’ve gained weight, and I just feel crappy. Stress is no friend of mine.
Worry is constantly conquering my mind. The what if’s could go on for days. My choices have the ability to change his life as well as the lives of my biological children and my marriage. How can I ever know what is the right thing to do? God would not have given me this child if he didn’t want him here. Or, maybe I have done my work and it’s time to move on.
Friends, I ask you to please remember my family in prayer. A few days ago I was praying and when I was finished, he looked at me with his big blue eyes and said “You forgot to say please help the children. You always say God please help the children to do what they are supposed to do.” He was right, I had forgotten to say that. I always ask for patience and understanding with my children and for God to guide them. This shows Evan is listening! He’s observing me as a mother and even though he doesn’t appear to be, he is taking it in.
Sometimes getting my thoughts out gives me clarity. Unfortunately, tonight I’m just as confused as I was when I started. I will continue to pray for patience and understanding. From now on, maybe I will lead with the part about the children behaving!